Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
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If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
what
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.