[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
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Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.