Current mood: Potato
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[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
what’s really going on
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.