The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
You Might Also Like
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Straight people are cancelled
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.