[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
You Might Also Like
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
This is true.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT: