I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
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ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space