here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
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Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone