Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
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Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
As the Lord intended