Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
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Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah