For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
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can’t bark with your mouth full
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.