“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
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Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”