Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
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Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Waiting for the Charmin
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Only Americans understand
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?