If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
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[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
me as a parent
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”