wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
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My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan