The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
You Might Also Like
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.