I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
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Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???