*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
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My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
who did the taste test?
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.