When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
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[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
That eye roll….
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.