[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
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Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u