Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
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[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her