Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
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Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
My kitchen overserved me.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.