wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
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That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
then why did i get this email
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.