[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
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Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer