My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
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4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Velcrow
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids