Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
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Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do