Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
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I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Butt weight. There’s more!
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*