“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
You Might Also Like
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂