At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
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Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”