Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
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In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
I was just discussing this with my cat
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.