[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
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Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
The only equipped I am is ill.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.