The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
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wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?