If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
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What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Finally!
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.