Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
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My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS