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School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.