[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
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Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
I have never related to anyone more.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.