BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
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where the womens at?
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Life hack
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.