ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
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*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all