October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
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If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
eating my hot dog hamburger style
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
pelicons
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both