The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
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Literally! 🤣 #dogs
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
The three genders.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping