Today’s weather from Yorkshire
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Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
The two types of wives
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.