[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
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[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.