Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
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Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
tinder is all about the long game
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Ok but actually
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor