Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
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Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Safety first
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.