I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
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I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Just grow your own
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.