Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
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I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”