“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
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I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs