“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
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My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*