Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
You Might Also Like
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
This fish is cracking me up
Please do it!
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
omg leave her alone
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.