Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
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It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
lost dog
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled