*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
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I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go